What Would Twoey Do?
Not what you would do, that's for damn sure. You are not really suppose to do what I would do, because this is what I would do, what I would probably do anyway, I guess it depends on how much I had to drink. Even though I may say you should do it, you need to use your own best judgement because I am above the law, kinda like the A-Team or maybe even Santa. For instance, if I tell you that I would grab a baseball bat and break a guys f*cking knees in, you probably couldn't get away with that, so if you can get away with let's say, writing him a really mean post-it note, do that instead. So basically, never do what I say or do.

You can submit your very own question at

wwtd@twoeaglesmarcus.com

------------- SNOOP Doggy Dogg ---------------------------------------------------
Twoey,
I have had the feeling that my boyfriend has been cheating me, we have always been open and honest with each other, so we have each other's email passwords and voicemail codes etc and I have never checked up on them, I thought I was secure enough with our relationship that I didn't have to... the other night when he was out, I checked his email to see if there was anything revealing in it. I found some emails from his ex-girlfriend, who is very close to him and who I thought was friends with me to. The emails were talking about when they were getting together again and how excited they were about everything and that they couldn't believe that I didn't know what was going on. I was crushed. The last email had mentioned them getting together again on Thursday and Mark had told me that he had to work late Thursday night and that he wasn't going to make it for dinner. So I went to Becky's house and his car was there! I knocked on the door, hoping to catch them in the act and when Becky answered I pushed her out of the way and charged in looking for Mark. It turned out that they were planning a huge suprise for me for my birthday and that they had been getting together to make me a memory book. I was beside myself. I burst into tears and told them that I had been checking his emails and snooping around. They didn't really know how to react at the time, but even after profuse apologies Becky won't return my calls and Mark barely talks to me anymore. I feel so strange telling you all of this, but I really don't know what else to do. They were my only friends.
-Samantha, Cornish, NH

Samantha, First of all I never would give out my passwords or codes, that is moronic. Everyone has a right to privacy and secrets, even boyfriends and girlfriends. Your first mistake was to trade passwords. I know this because I did it before and f*cked myself over. Whooops! Sooo.... in this case I would be Mark and the ball would be in my court, and being the reasonable guy that I am, I would say that it would be time for you to prove your sincerity in the continuation of our relationship. Initially I would change all of my passwords and codes and tell you that there was no way in hell that you would ever have access to them again. After that, I would question your devotion to me and I would say that a girlfriend that truly loved me would treat me like I was Hugh Hefner for the next 8 weeks. Which means... making sure the apartment stayed tight, my shirts stayed pressed and that you would be waiting at the door to greet me with my velvet smoking jacket and snifter of Louis the XIII when I got home from work. You would also have to take gourment cooking and Swedish Massage classes as well as finding new girlfriends that you could bring home to pleasure me while you organized my compact discs using the Dewey Decimal system. If you aren't willing to do that for Mark, then you really aren't committed to the relationship and you are also a self-centered person, with absolutely no regard for anyone else but yourself. -t.e.

------------- The Idiot ---------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eagles,
I was standing at the end of this long ass line at Zentra last night and this drunk richie rich asshole stumbled into me while hitting on these really hot girls that were in line in front of me, he is standing there giving them this line of sh*t about how he is this VIP and how loaded he was. Anyway, his wallet fell out of his jacket right at my feet, he didn't notice and neither did the girls. It was bulging with cash and I thought about keeping it, but I gave it back to him and he gave me this really sh*tty look like I stole it, then he and the girls went right to the head of the line and into the club as I waited for the next hour. I am still kicking myself for not keeping it.
-Tom, Chicago IL

Tom, You are an idiot. That rich prick probably wipes with that money. I would have kept the wallet, told the dood that I saw some bums peeing on his Mercedes, at which point he would have staggered away to investigate while I was taking the girls and his money to the front of the line. But I wouldn't have been standing in line so it never would have happened. -t.e.

------------- The Boy ---------------------------------------------------------------
T.E.,
Your site is so cool, how do you know all of those girls? I live in Virginia and all the girls at the clubs here seem hard to talk to. How do I meet a girl at the club? I am looking for a girlfriend, but I don't know what to say to them.
-Matt, Richmond VA

Matt, First of all don't look for a girlfriend at the club. Girls at the club aren't looking for a boyfriend, most of them just want to party with their friends. When I want to talk to a girl I ask them if I can buy them a drink and then I tell them my name is Two Eagles Marcus, and then they say... "Hi Marcus" and then I say, my last name is Marcus and my first name is Two Eagles and then I pull out my ID. And then they look at it, and then they look at me, and then they look at it again and give it back to me. And then they tell me how cool my name is, and I say "It's alright." And then I say, I want your phone number. And then they either give it to me or slap me. -t.e.

------------- Drenched ---------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eagles,
I was at Monte's 3 year Anniversay and when I went to take a piss, being the marksman I am, somehow I managed to piss all over the inner part of my pant legs down each leg all the way to my feet! I was mortified and almost crapped myself, I quickly checked the bathroom to see if anyone saw me do it and since there was no one in there, I quickly tried to dry the urine soak denim with paper towel, which didn't work! Why would it! I was shaking like a f*ckin leaf. So I bolted out of the bathroom and remained in the shadows and very populated areas of the club so noone would notice that I was wearing "piss pants". I told my my buddy about the situation and that even though my pants were drenched in man-made lemonade I still wanted to go to the next club. As we left Monte's I had him take a picture of my "fashion emergency" and we split to the next club. When we got there, I quickly and discreetly made my way into the darkness of the club and no one was the wiser. Whew!
-Two Eagles, Grand Rapids MI

Two Eagles, Since you are me and I am you, I would have done exactly that. Whooop! -t.e.

------------- The REALLY Dumb Motherf*cker --------------------------------
Two Eagles,
Last weekend my girlfriend, Stacy and her friend Amy went out partying while I was working. I don't get out of work until 12am so I couldn't go out with them. When I came home that night, I heard moaning coming from the bathroom, so I snuck over to the bathroom and I found my girlfriend getting, well, orally stimulated by Amy! Stacy was cheating on me! I told Amy to get the f*ck out of my apartment and I told Stacy to grab her sh*t and get the f*ck out to. Stacy has been calling me everyday since then, but I won't take her calls. I am so f*cking pissed I don't know what to do.
-Robert, Denver, CO

Robert, Robert, ROBERT! You are one dumb motherf*cker. Are you f*ckin' kiddin' me? You came home after a long nights work to find your girlfriend being licked be her friend, which was a girl. Are you retarded or something? Seriously, you missed out what would have been your own little piece of heaven on Earth! I still can't believe I even have to tell you would I would have done. I most certainly wouldn't have kicked them out! You see Robert, the French have a term for what you missed out on, it is called a "menage a trois" which is when 3 people have sexual relations. Together, at the same time, with each other. Okay, enough of the condecending banter, I would have said... "Here's Twoey! Whooop! Whooop!" -t.e.

------------- The Dipsh*t -------------------------------------------------------------
Marcus,
How do I get a girl to let me sign her boobs at the club?
-Scott, Arizona

Scott, First of all it's Two Eagles you dipsh*t. Second of all, you don't. You can't. You never will. Unless you have a sh*tload money and become really famous and grow a mullet. -t.e.

----------------- Chuck the F*ck ---------------------------------------------------
Hey man,
Saturday I was at the club and I saw this really hot girl that I wanted to get with, I mean this bitch was f***ing hot! Anyway, I went up to her and asked her if I could buy her a drink, and she says only if you are going to buy one for my girl to. There was no way I was going to buy her a drink AND her friend a drink just to talk to that b*tch. I don't care how hot she was.
Peace man,
-Chuck, Boston, MA

Chuck you f*ck, It is obvious by your attitude that you are an immature assface. She could sense it. Your opening line was probably "Hey baby". She was testing you, she knew that you weren't about sh*t. And that if you couldn't buy her friend a drink a drink too, then you would probably end up taking her to McDonald's on your first date. I would have bought her and her friend a drink, with the stipulation that they were going to do Jager Bombs with me and then I would have whispered into her ear that she made me want to explode in my pants. Which either gets a huge laugh or a slap across the face, but it is worth the risk since it only fails 1% of the time. So after she stops laughing I get her phone number. If not, I walk away with a handprint across my face. I win either way, one way I get the girl, the other way I have a funny ass story for my website. -t.e.

------------- The Winker ------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Twoey,
Hey cutie! First of all I wanted to say how much I like your website! You crack me up with your outrageous stories! Anyway, this is so unlike me to say something like this, but you seem like a fun, easy going guy. So here it goes... my girlfriend and I are going to be coming to Grand Rapids in March and I wanted to know if you would let us party with you and some of your girlfriends. I mean, you hang out with some really hot girls and they seem pretty open to, well, THINGS. Anyway, I really like your pictures and I think that we could have a really really goodtime if you know what I mean. *wink* Hope to hear from you soon!
-Angelique, Chicago, IL

Angelique, Flattery will get you everywhere. Okay, so this isn't really as much of a WWTD as a WTGD? (What is Twoey Gonna Do?) I am going to have to say that by the looks of your picture, you are totally welcomed to come to town and party with me and my "friends". #1 That better be your f***ing picture. #2 If that's not your picture, it better be your friend. #3 ummmm... refer to #'s 1 & 2. Also, what I will do if it isn't you in the picture... I will still let you go to the club with me and I will buy 3 rounds of bottle service using your credit card and then I will laugh at you, but you will thinking I am laughing with you and then I will put the pictures on my website of me and my friends drinking the three rounds of bottle service while we are laughing and you will be humiliated and broke and have to work in a sweat shop to get enough money for gas to go home and I will hire people to go to your work and throw popcorn at you and tell your boss that they are friends of yours and you will get fired, and then you will have to push your car back to Chicago, where you will have been evicted from your apartment, because in the 6 weeks your worked at the sweatshop you only made $4. -two eagles